Left powerless by COVID, we watch loved ones fade away

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Duluth News Tribune

Tuesday, March 23rd, 2021



My 92-year-old mother is only three blocks away, a resident in a nursing home, and it is crazy to think that it has been a year since I have been able to sit with her. It has been difficult.

When the in-person visits were no longer allowed because of Covid-19, my sisters, Laurie and Michelle and I started Zooming with Mom once a week. With the country shut down, my sisters and I had no problems finding the time. We were always available. But even then, there were some weeks that our meetings did not go as planned. I had trouble with the sound on my laptop a few times, so I could not interact with the group as well. Or on Mom’s end, she would sometimes blank out like she was watching a television screen. “Mom,” we would shout. When Mom did not respond, looking bored as can be, we would get scared. It was distressing to not be able to touch her and say, “Hey Mom. Are you okay?” Instead, we would message the nurse to see if she would check on Mom.

The first time it happened, we wondered if Mom was having a stroke. We watched on the screen as nurse Karen, our friend, whished into the room and said, “Gram?” She put her arm on Mom’s shoulder, “are you doing okay?”

When Mom smiled and responded, “Yeah, I’m good,” my sisters and I sighed with relief. And of course, we playfully disciplined our mother for not paying attention to us.

It was February 2021, when, finally, we got the notice that the nursing home staff and residents were getting scheduled for their COVID-19 vaccinations. Just knowing that brought on a vast sigh of relief. I felt like Mom just had to stay strong a little longer so we could sit, visit, care, and love, like our family was intended to do once again.

It was that same week that I learned I was next in line for the vaccination. I became eligible because of my status as a caregiver for my adult, special-needs daughter. I was ecstatic. Mom was getting vaccinated. I was getting vaccinated. I thought that, for sure, there would be no reason we could not visit.

I was wrong.

Although the COVID-19 vaccine was the best way to protect us from catching the disease, it took weeks post injection for it to reach full immunity. And in determination to keep the residents in the nursing home safe, and even though the two weeks period had passed, I was told that the lockdown would continue until further notice.

What little patience I had was running thin. When I thought of all that precious time I had already lost with my mother, it made my anger soar, followed by a deep sense of sorrow.

By the end of February, the nursing home got approved to handle visitors. One to two family members, once every two weeks, for 30 minutes, in a plexiglass environment, during daytime hours, by appt. only.

I was disgusted. Not at the nursing home staff, they were and are doing their best. I did not know who exactly to be mad at, which made it even more frustrating. It sickened me to think that my mother’s last years may be spent in an almost prison-like environment.

I started the paperwork to have Mom put under the comfort care program. What that meant for Mom was she’d have fewer medical restrictions. We could bring her foods from home that we knew she enjoyed. Any need for X-rays could be performed in-house versus sending Mom to the hospital. Unfortunately, I learned that the ‘comfort care’ status would not give us any more privileged visitation rights over any other resident; Mom was too healthy for that. I also learned that the State was mandating the restrictions. There was little the nursing home could do.

Health-wise, I do not think it would be in Mom’s best interest to bring her home, even if we paid for around the clock supportive-home care. Mom has made friends. She has caregivers who have become like family to her. The daily activities that are offered at the nursing home make the days more interesting and even fun. But Mom also needs her family by her side. And for us kids, it is like watching the sand fall through the hourglass, powerless to do anything about it.

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  1. Char P. on March 23, 2021 at 9:43 pm

    I am so sorry for what you all are going through with your mom. I cant imagine what it must be like for you. Her life in limbo after such a busy, fulfilling and giving life, now left to the whims of nature and human regulations trying to negotiate nature. I hope you can find a sense of peace that you have done everything in your power to show her your love and devotion.

    • Doris Rauschenbach on March 26, 2021 at 6:51 pm

      Thanks, Char.

  2. Melinda Graham on March 26, 2021 at 5:12 pm

    I’m so sorry for your dear Mom and your family. I’ll pray that you will all find comfort in these terrible trials. I was unable to be with my mother when she went to a rehabilitation center last summer. We had a face time daily but she continued to decline… despite being upbeat, strong, and smiling the day she left the hospital. After a while she wouldn’t take my calls and when I requested a compassionate visit, it took days to get that to happen because her case worker was out sick and no one took over. The day of our scheduled visit, my mother passed at 4:00 am. So, I never saw my Mom again, in life.I’m still broken over this- don’t know that I’ll ever be over this loss that I feel was caused by the lock down. No, my mother did not die of Covid- she died of loneliness and a broken heart.

    • Doris Rauschenbach on March 26, 2021 at 6:49 pm

      Dear Melinda, I am so sorry for your loss. What you and your family went through is absolutely heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing your story. Maybe in doing so you will help someone else who is suffering in the same way. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless.

  3. Mrs. Patsy Asomugha on April 2, 2021 at 3:31 pm

    Im Sorry For Your pain & anguish during this Pandemic! It’s been life changing & has affected many of us in many ways, especially those who have had to learn to live without their loved ones. Children have suffered, mothers & fathers either single parents or not, it’s been challenging. Also towards the special needs kids who thrive on interaction and the mentally challenged they’ve had the doors closed on them & Suffering also! I pray people get vaccinated so we can get back to life the way we once knew it to be. We not only vaccinate for ourselves but for the World in its Entirety!!!

    • Marlys on July 2, 2021 at 8:42 pm

      I agree, there is so much to be learned from this ordeal during the past year, in so many different ways, life changing for so many people. Nobody really knows how to deal with it. No matter who, no matter where, no matter what, it is a major experience unheard of, except for those who have lived thru the Spanish Flu. Everything else seem so normal compared to what has been going on.

  4. Marlys on July 2, 2021 at 8:50 pm


    Your very last paragraph really summarized the whole ordeal, Your mom has truly been in very good hands, despite your concerns and anguish and whatnot, in the most harrowing time of all for everyone involved. I really applaud all of you for sticking together to the utmost possible way in order to maintain a healthy situation. Keep up the good work!

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